It's been five long months now. Five months, since I was torn away from my happy life with all the people I love. Five months and I'm still sober, numb and empty.
I've travelled to the other side of the world just to find that home was there and to be pulled away from all of it. Ever since I saw the first pine trees and my plane landed in Finland, this so called life of mine has been more or less just sliding downhill.
I've always been the master in achieving goals, meeting the norms and doing every darn thing right. I've got lovely new and old friends here, the music stuff is going alright and I've got an amazing job. Still there's something missing. I miss the feeling of fighting for something. I felt alive and capable of responding to the challenges facing me when I still was fighting for my future. Now it seems like I've become my own worst nightmare. Settling for something I never wanted. Standing alone with my days literally numbered giving importance to the remarks made by people I have never seen before. How did I get here?
Lately the only thing I've been capable of has been hurting the ones I most love. I've been a mean, pessimistic quitter who I never was before. The good thing in all this twisted irony is that I finally know what I don't want. I have always wanted everything and more. Now I know which of it I don't want - and most importantly - I don't deserve. It has come the time to make ends meet, and to make some harsh decisions in order to move on. Begin again from the beginning.
"She had opened the door to her personal hell. She hated the love she had been given, because it had asked for nothing in return, which was absurd, unreal and against the laws of nature." Paulo Coelho
